I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
