3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
