so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
