Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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