"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
