I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
the liver wants what the liver wants
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
