Since when is my name a synonym for head?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
