I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
