saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
