I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Randomize
