i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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