What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
