u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
