I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
