I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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