I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
