I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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