The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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