this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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