im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
