I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
