So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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