If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
