I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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