i wish starbucks made bloody marys
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
