turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
