nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
