Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
