fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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