Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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