Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
