He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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