Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
