I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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