Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
