I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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