why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
