I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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