I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
