Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
