I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just want nice things and good sex
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
