Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
