Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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