I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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