The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
