There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
