he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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