U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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