dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
