god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
