Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Liz is crying about burritos again.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
