I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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